Looking into a mirror
by Rose of A Dragon
Summary: R for language right now. With the second war comes feelings of regret for things left unsaid. Remus and Sirius have a hard time with the past and it can be more haunting than it seems. SBRL SBOC RLOC SLASH, but only because it ties in with the
1. Looking into a mirror

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the Harry Potter series and the characters you have heard of from reading Harry Potter are obviously not mine, but others, (only a few I have created myself so far) are not mine. Oh and all kinds of criticism is rewarded! Please R&R even if you hate it!  
  
Summary: Event's of the past unfold with the second war, and with it comes anguish, tears, laughter, and things left unsaid. Based around Remus, Sirius, and the past in which both hold secret from all around them.  
  
A note: Bare with me in the first chapter, I know it's not long, but I hope it will suffice until I get the next one up and running.  
  
Chapter one: Looking into a mirror  
  
A pair of delicate, yet deep blue eyes shown barely visible in the darkness. He had not bothered in turning on the light for it would only truly bring him out of his daze, and then he would not be able to get back to sleep. His hair was auburn and flecked with gray, giving him the appearance of a young man aged many years in a very short period of time. His lips were thin and if he could say so himself, one of his best features.  
  
He hadn't bothered to shave within a few day and his face showed it, sporting a thin, yet very defined jaw line. He did not want to admit it that he had looked like crap. Losing several pounds in the last week that he couldn't afford, (for the full moon was around the corner), had added to his list of problems, as if he didn't have enough already.  
  
Damn piece of shit, I hate you. But do you? Said the soft blue eyes back to the voice which inconsequently was his own.  
  
Kill yourself, go ahead, no one needs you on this earth.  
  
"Stop" He heard himself say aloud, he needed to control himself, the wolf was arising and he could feel it in his chest. The full moon was around the corner and controlling himself during this time had always taken the best of his will power, and for him suicide was something that flashed his mind every so often. The week of the full moon had always made him vulnerable and weak.  
  
Get rid of the beast, of me. No one will care, you're a monster. No one cares two shits.  
  
His bare chest rose quickly, scars that went deep littering him now and then. His chest wasn't that hairy. He wasn't that hairy, even though it was that time of the month.  
  
Just another myth you know. None of it is true; a lie; just like your life.  
  
His scars ran deep; deeper than anyone could see, and years of anguish and turmoil had taught him to hide the ones that weren't visible upon his skin. Though some could see through his shield. Kris could, she always saw through his protective shield he wore to hide himself from the world that would not accept him.  
  
Why did you have to leave? Was it that bad here? What was he kidding, yes it was, and is that bad here. Was it me? Did I not give you what you wanted? Was it Sirius, did he not treat you right? I always did, at least I think I did. What made you give up?  
  
He ran his hand down his beaten chest, taking in all his scars, starting at his neck and ending at the cavity where his stomach lie. The soft thud of his heart could be felt against his hands, and he took a deep breath in, trying to think, but his mind was coming unfocused.  
  
He tightened a fist, anger beyond reason was coursing through his body. He felt like ripping his heart out, tearing off his skin, scratching himself beyond belief. His breathing was laboured as he forced himself to gain control, but this time he couldn't, it had gone to far, and for once in his life he hated everything around him.  
  
"Why! Why did you leave me Kris! I needed you and you decided to fall off the fucking earth saving James's life! He didn't give a shit! He didn't care like I did! You left me alone to burn in fucking hell!" He said as he looked straight ahead, his fists so tight that blood oozing from his hand would have fit it perfectly. "I needed you but you gave up! Why did you give up on me! Why you son of a bitch why? I never gave up on you! Was James worth dying for more than I was?" The veins in his neck were pulsing rapidly, his whole body shaking, and yet he stopped, lowering his voice to almost an inaudible whisper "Why did you choose Sirius and not me?" But his anger was back and he couldn't keep his voice down.  
  
"James you ass why did you have to be the god damn good guy all the fucking time? Why did you have to save everyone else's lives instead of your own! Why didn't you leave Lily and Harry to die and run! I hate you; you bastard. Why did you make Sirius Harry's godfather and not me? Did you actually trust the ass? Apparently you did but look where it ended us all? You screwed up James, and you know what? It's not a first! Why didn't you let me take Harry? He would have been better off without Sirius because in case you haven't known he's been in Azkaban for the past twelve years. Do you like ruining everyone's fucking life James? Does it feel good?"  
  
His fists were so tight now, that blood was slowly oozing from them, running down his fingers, his bare chest heaving, his eyes turning yellow as he screamed at everyone he could think of. Alive or dead, for that was what it was now, a screaming fit of anger that could not be controlled by anyone.  
  
"Sirius, I can't stand you! You took Kris from me you fucking asshole she should have been mine because I loved her more than you did! You treated her like shit! We loved each other and you knew it but you had to keep her for yourself. Did you ever now about how she would sneak to me when you were off on your missions, for the order? You would be gone for days at a time and she would come to me for comfort, not you! You knew I loved her... you knew..." His eyes were a fierce yellow. Almost orange.  
  
"She was the one that was okay with the fact of you and I being bi. She didn't care that you and I would make love, but you took advantage of that! You took advantage of me! And now your back and asking for my sympathy! You want me to help you with Harry, but you haven't had the decency to tell him about her! Tell me, if you loved her so much how come you haven't told him yet! Never crossed your mind did she?" He stopped again, looking at himself, at his half naked body, anger had started to rise again, a new anger. An anger for himself so strong that it couldn't be matched by any other.  
  
"You asshole! Why do you even let people around you get to you! Nobody excepts you and why should they! Your disgusting and you should have died when that wolf bit you in the first place! Nobody ever cared for you because they left you behind! You've been shunned all your life because you're a monster and don't you see the truth in it all! You are a monster and that's all you will ever be! You'll never accomplish anything with your life because you let people fool you! You put on a show Remus and that's all you ever do! You're a monster!" He stared into the mirror, his fist unclenching as another drop of blood hit the floor in front of him. He placed his hand on his heart, feeling it beat, leaving behind a trail of blood in the shape of a hand.  
  
It started somewhere in his chest and rose into his throat. It was canine and evil and strong, and all it wanted to do was hurt something. It could be heard in his breathing, a low growl which slowly got louder with seconds and turned into a scream of anger. He raised his fist in fury and lashed out at the man in front of him, the very man he loathed and hated and feared. He caused the man's face to shatter to pieces on the ground, and took pleasure at seeing his reflection distorted in the broken glass.  
  
He caught a glimpse of his hand and turned it over in amazement and curiosity, taking in the newly formed scars. Laughter arose in his insides, and at first he didn't know why, but then he understood.  
  
"You monster." He forced through a manic laugh.  
  
"Your not a monster Remus." Said a voice from behind him. He turned around, Sirius stood in front of him watching his every move closely from the doorway to his room. 


	2. Convince me please

CHAPTER TWO: Convince me please  
  
"Than what am I?" Remus said nervously , his eyes coming back to his own very slowly, Sirius seemed not scared, but calm with Remus, and that had helped him a lot.  
  
"Your Remus. That's who you are." Sirius said, not moving, or staring at Remus's scars, as most would do. He just watched Remus with a sense of care in his dark eyes.  
  
Neither spoke at all, yet watched the other with contemplation. Remus hated Sirius, but he loved him too, he was always at home with him around, and they balanced each other out. Sirius loved Remus for being a strong and caring individual more than anyone he had ever known, yet he also hated Remus too, for the mere fact that Remus had hated himself all his life for what he was, how he always had said he was a monster, not a human. But he wasn't a monster, he was Remus J. Lupin.  
  
"Why don't you clean yourself up and get dressed, we have to talk." Remus didn't move, but just stared at Sirius with malicious contempt in his eyes. Sirius locked eyes with him and scowled back at him. "Now. I mean it Remus, I'll be downstairs."  
  
With those words, Remus turned and cleaned his bloody mess up, and fixed his hand with a simple healing spell, though he would have been thoroughly happy to watch himself bleed. He put on trousers and a shirt, and walked right pass the broken mirror, stopping only to look at it and chuckle.  
  
Downstairs, Sirius had made tea and was waiting for Remus. He was looking worn down and more tired than ever, which made Remus' insides squirm at how mean he had been to him. "What time is it?" was all that Remus had managed to say.  
  
"Six-thirty in the morning." Remus nodded and they both sat there, not looking at the other, an eerie quietness decided to take over them both for they didn't know what to say. It was seven o'clock before either had decided to say a single word. Sirius was the first to break the barrier.  
  
"I did love her you know." He would not look at Remus, though he looked thoroughly amused with his cup which was now empty of all contents.  
  
"I know you did." Remus said quietly, only for comfort; of all things to say it for.  
  
"I'm sorry Remus." Sirius looked up at him, but Remus avoided his eyes. "I didn't mean to take her from you. I had no idea that..." Sirius trailed off and Remus looked him in the eyes.  
  
"Yes you did." He said quietly. "You knew I loved her, don't lie." He wasn't being malicious or mean, for there was no sign of it in his monotonic voice. He was simply stating the truth.  
  
"I know you did. I just... I did love her you know, I want you to know that."  
  
"I know you did. You just didn't show it all the time..." He finished his words with "... you decided to be having fun with me instead."  
  
Sirius didn't speak at first, but when he did, it could be heard that he was struggling to keep from yelling.  
  
"I loved her... so much Remus, but I wasn't like you; I didn't know how to... how to show it. You were always the one to comfort her because I didn't know how to, it wasn't natural to help others; it wasn't in my blood. I remember so many nights I would hear her cry, and I felt so bad because I didn't know how comfort her."  
  
"You could've tried."  
  
"And I did try, but I felt; I did love her, more than anyone could say, she was everything to me, and when she died... I; I did love her."  
  
"What about me? Why did you come to me so many nights instead of going to her? Did you think that might have hurt her, even though she said she didn't care, she always did things for others and you know that. So why did you come to me?"  
  
"I was scared."  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Voldemort is back you know." He had changed the subject and Lupin sat up straight in his chair, his heart racing.  
  
"Jesus Sirius, how come you wait till now to tell me this?" He said, not mad but angered at his waiting.  
  
"I tried to but I didn't know how. Harry was there when it happened."  
  
"Is he okay?"  
  
"He escaped, but Fudge doesn't believe Dumbledore's word and now the order is being called back Dumbledore told me to tell you we need to recall everyone. Severus is working on our side, and so is the Weasley's. I am thinking of letting Dumbledore use my parents old house for headquarters, we could stay there."  
  
"We being... you and the Weasley's...?"  
  
"and you. I want you to be there too, Harry can come and stay with us and..."  
  
"I see you've had time to think it over then?" Remus said with a slight smile.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Is it a good plan?" He said slyly  
  
"What?" Said Sirius contemplating what the other had meant.  
  
"I am asking you if you think it is a good plan or not." The other repeated  
  
"Yes... I do think it good." He said defiantly to Remus, as if waiting for another argument, but it never came.  
  
"Then I will. I'll move in with you. We need to get going then." Remus said through a smile, which was returned by Sirius, something Remus hadn't seen on his face in so many years.  
  
That week was busy, what with proposing the idea to Albus and regaining the order to its position. A few new people had joined, including one person Sirius hadn't seen since they were a child.  
  
"Nymphadora." Said Sirius into the girl's ear. She jumped and dropped the bottle she was holding, though she did not turn around at first. When she did, she jumped at him, almost knocking him over.  
  
"Sirius! I've missed you so much!"  
  
"I see you've changed, though the hair hasn't, why pink may I ask?" She playfully punched him in the stomach. "You've grown up so much. I can't believe it. I missed you too." Remus stepped up behind Sirius, smiling.  
  
"Remus, haven't seen you in a long time either!"  
  
"Fifteen years, how are you doing?"  
  
"Wonderful, and you!" She said smiling.  
  
"Good. Really good" He said, his eyes bright. Sirius looked at him disbelievingly. 


End file.
